Top 10 Strangest Things I Have Uttered Since Becoming a Pet Sitter

A few years ago, I made a massive career shift from retail management to pet sitting and dog walking. It was the best move I’ve ever made — I can’t think of any job more fun or fulfilling.

However, the other day I was talking with a client about her dog’s elimination, and it struck me how odd some of the things I say must sound to the average person.

The upside? Some of the things I’ve said are pretty darn funny.

Here are the top 10 strangest remarks I’ve made over the past couple of years.

1. “I’m sorry I was late. I had to negotiate with a flock of angry chickens.”

Let me tell you, there is nothing more awkward than telling a client that you were trying to explain to a flock of chickens that they had to go inside because it was raining.

2. “We do not eat toilet paper in this house!”

I have a 4-footed client who enjoys the taste of TP. Charmin is his favorite.

3. “One bag of poop equals one pizza!”

This is how I rationalize rewarding myself for picking up poop for a living. It does get some weird looks when I say it at the local pizza place before happily heading off with my prize.

4. “There’s a tick on my bum!”

Announced far too loudly in a public restroom. I’ll let you imagine the responses.

5. “You are absolutely not permitted to pee on my shoe. How would you like it if I peed on YOUR shoe?”

Yes, this makes no sense. Yes, I said it to a dog anyway. Which would have been fine if 3 neighbors hadn’t been standing right there to hear it and now think I go around peeing on people’s shoes.

6. “Excuse me, sir! You forgot your poop!”

Let’s just be clear — not scooping the poop is a major faux pas. It’s just plain rude. So when I see others strolling off after their pet has done their business, I say something. Loudly.

7. “I’m a pet sitter, not a babysitter.”

This is half funny, half not. Parents, please don’t book a pet sitter and then ask her to care for your toddler upon her arrival. The parent said to me, “Isn’t it like the same thing?”

No. No, it’s not.

8. “He needs to have his anal done.”

I know. Oh Lord, I know. I left out a really important word here: glands. Go ahead and laugh. My client did until she cried. (I did too!)

9. “I couldn’t use the bathroom; the cat was in there.”

Believe it or not, some cats have potty-trained themselves or been potty-trained to do their business right on the toilet. Which is fantastic until you have to use the bathroom yourself and are stuck waiting in line.

10. “I’m really sorry to tell you this, but Flappy was beheaded today.”

Nobody panic: Flappy was a toy. I was going to explain this to the horrified person who overheard me say this on the phone, but she ran off.

Go figure.

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